abstinence, only…

from all the wrong people have self-esteem published by bloomsbury


national public radio, the kaiser family foundation, and harvard’s kennedy school of government released a poll on sex education in the united states. advocates for “abstinence-only” education believe that schools should teach only about abstinence from sexual intercourse, and should not provide information on how to obtain and use condoms and other contraception. this poll found that only fifteen percent of americans believe that schools should teach only about abstinence, but in spite of this, over 100 million dollars in federal funds has been made available for “abstinence-only” programs.

in light of widespread support of an “abstinence-only” s-e-_ e-d-u-_-_-t-i-o-n policy in public schools, we thought it was the very least we could do to present a fairly informative, kind of accurate, but not nearly comprehensive account of, well, you know. if kids learn just a few of the ghastly, disgusting “facts”, they’ll be less likely to try to find out all of them, through the internet and stuff. or even worse, experience. a little misinformation goes a long way. in an effort to increase the pleasure of these anxious, frustrated parents, and educate and inform their clueless, frustrated, and nubile offspring, we offer the following report:

where babies really come from

the sexual act is best demonstrated by putting your finger into an electrical outlet. first you must wet your finger. see? sex is very painful and may cause an “organism.” an organism might pop out and make you scream something like “nobody beats the wiz!” or “deutsche grammophon gesellschaft!” then the organism turns into a tadpole. if you are wearing rubber, don’t worry, because you are grounded, and protected from the organism. before the sexual act, put on new sneakers and brush your tongue. put on your tom jones record, and try some french twisting. you may experience one or more side effects, such as diaper rash, global thermonuclear meltdown, or tummy ache. try not to drool on your sex partner. this may cause a short. to practice safe sex, use a surge protector. now, close your eyes, and get ready for the ride of your life. all right then, away we go!

some believe sex is where babies come from, but we now know that babies come from france. sex is like something you feel for a pet, only not nearly as intense and erotic. it is much like love, but burns even more calories. true love can last up to fourteen minutes, but good sex can last for years at a time. avoid sex with dead people. this is called philadelphia, and is frowned upon. if you have sex with your relatives, you’ll have to light incense. instead, have sex over the phone or through your computer. it’s clean, efficient and modern. unfortunately, our telecommunication devices are unwilling to perform sex with us, but we saw the laser printer winking at us so we’re taking it to indochine on friday for a late supper.

people enjoy sex in many different ways. some people are into pain. others are into peanut. this is called m&m’s, and either way, plain or peanut, it’s going to hurt like hell. you can make big money with sex, but only in las vegas. it is the only state where the constitution is legal. if someone offers you a “job” for twenty dollars, talk them down to ten. for oral sex you’ll need a muffler, dentyne, and some felt. you can have sex with yourself if you have a subscription to “glamour.” this is called procrastination, and catholics believe it is very naughty. you can have sex with up to twelve people, but only if they are condescending adults. sex is like ballet, except mr. b is not always complaining about your short neck, and you don’t have to wear your hair in a bun. also, the russians are no better at it than regular people. the discovery channel is good, except for the spiders, unless you really hate your boyfriend.

with sex, remember that size is the most important thing. if you are the size of a muon or a quark, forget it. nobody’s going to be sexually attracted to a subatomic particle they can’t even see. if you have sex with a minority, you might even go to jail, because they are much too young. there you will have brutal sex with a man with a tattoo on his bicep that says “mother.” you will meet him in the shower if you drop the soap, and then you will be his “girl” even if you are a boy. this is what they call being “inmate” with somebody.

if you wear lots of clothing, no one will have sex with you. if you wear tiny triangles of cloth attached with string, they will be all over you. if you are a boy, any young girl with two big houseplants will “turn you on.” you will become hard like a rock all over and if you don’t have sex right away somebody’s going to have to mop up the kitchen. probably you.

if sex is so much fun, we asked a friend why she doesn’t “do it” more often. she said she couldn’t find the “right guy.” apparently, he has to be “single.” we pointed out that new york city, where she lives, has the highest density of “singles” on earth, except for that leper colony in hawaii. she told us to shut up, and that sartre was right, hell is other people. she’s been very moody. perhaps she is molting. we tried to help, but she said she wouldn’t have sex with us even if we weren’t the size and shape of a zamboni machine. too bad, because she’s one hot, sexy babe, and we could make her smooth and shiny all over. her parents were bohemian communists and told her about sex when she was three, but then she forgot, so she learned it ten years later from a guy named alan in central park. they were drinking “peppermint twister” out of a green bottle, and then she had an organism. there is a small bronze plaque there that marks the place where they did it. that night she lost her flower, because it was the “sixties”, when “flower power” was “happening.” she also lost her house keys, which is how her mother found out. boy, was she mad! all mothers are against sex, but if they had not had sex they couldn’t even be mothers. unless, of course, they have been to france.

*this study could never have been completed without the advice of mr. graham kerr, the “galloping gourmet”, who, though not a registered sex therapist, has personally experienced sex, not once, but several times. i would also like to thank the world famous pianists, podiatrists, pediatricians and brazilians who agreed to be interviewed for this article. pamela anderson declined to be interviewed and i would like to take this opportunity to publicly condemn and berate her.

copyright  laurie rosenwald